“Every disability conceals a vocation, if only we can find it, which will turn the necessity to glorious gain.” – C.S. Lewis, British writer and theologian.
As C.S. Lewis, who is British writer and theologian, said, “Every disability conceals a vocation, if only we can find it, which will turn the necessity to glorious gain.” I have always been an advocate for individuals with disabilities. It became such a passion of mine after volunteering at Christ Presbyterian Church in the Special Needs Ministry for the past 15 years. I dedicated my whole career to pursuing a Masters in Special Education and was beyond excited to enter the classroom to use both my passion and talent. But what happens when you personally become affected by a disability? In a matter of months, my world shifted very quickly where I was no longer just an advocate for those with varying abilities but experienced living with a disability daily myself.
Early in my teaching career I was attacked by a student and suffered a significant jaw injury that caused me to eat smoothies for almost two years. From that event, I developed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and have been learning how to deal with the effects of trauma on my body. From nightmares, daily panic attacks, chronic pain to sustained hyper-vigilance, PTSD has made normal daily activities extremely difficult. I have done a lot of work through counseling, swallow therapy, physical therapy, and so much more, to make progress on my healing journey and trying to move forward. I had to step away from the classroom for a bit to allow myself space to fully heal. There have been days when I have wondered if the tears would ever stop. My days seemed to be marked with the symptoms of PTSD versus the passions I once had.
I have struggled to fully accept my limitations and be honest with those around me about my needs. Several medical professionals on my team suggested that I research getting a certified service dog. I was very hesitant at first about this idea because I didn’t want others to know I was struggling. A dog would be a visible symbol that I needed constant support to feel safe. However, I also knew it was becoming extremely difficult to function daily. I had to choose if I was willing to be honest about my limitations to in efforts to gain a resource that would ultimately give me more independence.
A service dog is a dog that is trained specifically for a person with a disability to perform specialized tasks. A service dog is different from a pet or an emotional support animal because it is medically necessary that the dog always remain with the person and under the American Disability Act, are permitted to enter public environments such as restaurants, shopping centers, hospitals, and much more.
After much research, I was pointed in the direction of Retrieving Independence, a local non-profit that trains service dogs for individuals with disabilities including PTSD. Their dogs are trained by inmates in the prison system during the week and are with volunteers on the weekends to get them exposure to different elements in public. I immediately fell in love with this organization and the fact that every part of their program was redemptive. I took a leap of faith and applied for a service dog in March of 2021. At the end of the month, I was matched with a sweet black lab named Ripley.
For the next several months, Ripley would go through specialized training to help me with various tasks. Whenever I had a panic attack, she would be scent trained to alert me and apply deep pressure. Ripley was trained on over 85 commands that would help me live more independently and feel safe again.
Parts of this journey have felt very lonely, and I knew that once I had Ripley I would never be alone again. I had to fundraise to help with the costs of training. It was amazing to see a community of people come alongside me and remind me that I am not alone, and hold hope for me when I felt like all hope was lost. I also realized that I was not getting Ripley alone but in fact there were hundreds of people invested in my story and bringing her home.
In July of 2021, I was reunited with Ripley during an 8-day training camp where she refined her skill set with me and I learned how to ask her for specific skills to help with the PTSD symptoms. Slowly, I started to see how much of a resource she would be for me. At the same time, I very quickly had to find acceptance of my disability. I could no longer hide, but there was freedom in knowing that I now had a constant companion that was trained specifically for me. Ripley has full public access, so she truly can go anywhere with me. I started to re-enter back into the community and knew that if I experienced deep panic, Ripley had my back. Ripley would be there when the nightmares disrupt another night of sleep. Ripley will be there when the physical pain feels too much to bear and will apply deep pressure and let me know that I am not alone even in my most painful moments.
Shortly after Ripley came home, I dislocated both of my jaws again and was in the Emergency Room for over seven hours while several medical professionals worked to put my jaws back in place. It was some of the worst pain I have ever experienced in my life. Yet something was different this time, I was not alone. Ripley stayed by my side throughout the entire time in the hospital and applied deep pressure. She refused to leave my side because she knew she had one job, to remind me that I am safe despite the circumstances.
So, I look back on the effects PTSD has had on me, and I am learning what it looks like to fully accept who I am despite my limitations. Ripley has also provided me the opportunity to educate my community on the role of a service dog and how to support someone who is struggling with PTSD. It has forced me to be vulnerable about my story but also has been an opportunity for me to expand my support system.
I went into Special Education because I had a deep passion but came out with a disability. But it has been an opportunity for me to be on the other side of care and has allowed me to grow a deeper empathy and level of compassion. Whether visible or invisible, we are each fighting a battle. Each day we have the opportunity to be an encouragement to those around us. We may never fully know what someone is struggling with, but there is always an opportunity to show compassion. We all need a support system and others to lift us up in seasons where we feel like we cannot even take another step. It is when we fully accept who we are, we allow others to step into our story.
As Brene Brown, research professor at the University of Houston, said “Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we will ever do. Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity.”
“If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path,” said Brown. I am a living testimony that vulnerability is an opportunity for others to link arms with you and remind you are not alone. I finally feel hope for my future because I know I have Ripley and so many others ready to help me continue the journey of healing.