Whether you are a dedicated professional or family caregiver, giving up is not an option. Yet, when you work with someone in need, whether it is a person with a disability or an aging adult, you can become so overwhelmed with attempting to meet their needs, that it can be easy to forget your own. So, what can you do to get through the hard times and feel yourself again?
How did you forget to care for yourself? There are several reasons, why this could happen.
The Responsibility is Yours
The person you are caring for may be unable to care for themselves so the responsibility may fall solely on you. As a caregiver, you consistently monitor, scan, and anticipate their unmet needs turning your attention toward them and away from you.
A Witness to Pain
Their unmet needs may have led to trauma and suffering, which you may have knowledge of or witnessed firsthand. When you are exposed to the “second-hand smoke”1 of trauma and human suffering, this may cause your body to register “danger” which triggers you into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn2 mode. As a result, you will most likely consistently scan them and their environment to keep them safe from potential threats. This hypervigilance is part of the reason caregiving can be so exhausting.
Over Comparison
You could also be caught in the repetitive thought pattern where you discount your own suffering, pain, and exhaustion because “they have it worse.” I coined this behavior “hierarchy of pain” back in 2018 to describe the phenomenon of comparing our pain to others, only to conclude that “we have nothing to complain about.” This is a form of self-rejection. It also does not follow logic or reason. Does someone’s broken arm hurt less because a loved one had surgery? No. They both experience pain. Both of their experiences are valid. Both deserve care.
So what can you do, when giving up is not an option?
Taking care of your loved one or client is so very important. Your dedication to them goes without saying. However, taking care of yourself is just as important. Here are some steps you can take to ensure that you are caring for yourself while taking care of others:
- Be honest about your own pain. Talk to a friend or write a list of the emotional and physical challenges you are experiencing in your own life.
- Respond to yourself as if you are someone you love. If a loved one shared that they are experiencing back pain or are lonely and feel hopeless, what would you suggest they do? Do that for yourself today.
- Realize that you may be experiencing traumatic stress. Take steps to help your body feel safe and calm. This could be done by listening to comforting music and breathing slowly while repeating a phrase like, “I am safe right here, right now.”
- Think about the times you have felt the most “you.” We all have places, people, music, clothing, and activities that make us feel like ourselves. Make a list and plan to incorporate those into your life, even if it’s as simple as packing your favorite teabag, wearing your favorite scarf, or texting with your favorite person each day.
It’s easy to get locked into “emergency response mode”3 and keep rapidly moving through your day focused on helping others – but that is not sustainable. More importantly, it’s not fair to you. While part of your life path may be helping others, there is a whole other portion of your life that needs to be lived.
While giving up is not an option, neglecting yourself is also not an option. Everyone deserves to explore all aspects that make them who they are as an individual outside of their role as a caregiver.
Step into the spotlight of your life and you’ll begin to feel a change.
Taryn Hughes is a Compassion Fatigue Therapist, coach, and founder of NYC-based, Forest Hughes & Associates, a firm dedicated to keeping helping and protecting professionals psychologically safe at work. FH&A’s programs are stigma-free and address the human challenges of working in a helping or protecting profession while providing concrete strategies to prevent and mitigate the impact on their health, careers, and lives. She recently spoke at the CARES Conference in Nashville, Tennessee. Her services are available through ForestHughes.com and educational videos can be found at www.youtube.com/channel/UC3gMDK26qS8QI1a_wiZFczg.
Glossary of Terms:
1 second-hand smoke: Refers to smoke inhaled involuntarily, but in this case refers to being impacted by someone else’s trauma.
2 flight, fight, or fawn: fight – facing any perceived threat aggressively, flight – running away from danger, fawn: immediately acting to try to please to avoid any conflict.
3 emergency response mode: being always prepared for something bad to happen or an iminent threat